My 20 Week Abortion

With all the bills on abortion being signed, I felt like I had to share my abortion story again. 

In November 2014, I had an abortion at 20 weeks. We lived in Georgia. At the time, abortion was legal up to 24 weeks. If all these bills go into effect, the choice I made, the ONLY choice that was the right option for me and my family, won’t be a choice at all for women anymore. It makes me so angry, knowing that politicians think they know better than doctors and the women affected.  

Here is my story.  

RJ and I always wanted our children close together. Even though Rosalie wasn’t planned, once we started our family we didn’t want to stop. I got my first period when Rosalie was about 6 months old. RJ and I started trying for baby number two and got pregnant very quickly. My due date would have been April 6th, 2015. Rosalie and that baby would have been about 18 months apart.

On November 10th, 2014, I had my 20 week ultrasound. RJ and I dropped Rosalie off at a friends house and drove to my ob gyn’s office. During the appointment, we were told we were having a boy but he had serious fetal abnormalities. 

The doctor who was in the office that day was the lead high risk doctor for the practice. We had met him before, he is amazing and very knowledgeable. He actually made the first ultrasound machine used at Virginia Tech, which he used to diagnose a double tubal pregnancy. He also wrote the math behind many of the calculations used in ultrasound machines today. Anyway, he is a fabulous doctor and I trusted him fully. He gently explained our baby boy had a renal blockage and he could not urinate. Because of this his kidneys had died, he was low on amniotic fluid and it would probably dry up soon. After 20 weeks amniotic fluid is primarily made up of the baby’s urine. The baby’s heart also looked questionable. 

Our doctor used to perform in vitro surgery on babies with the exact same issues our baby had. After years of trying, he gave up, because no matter how hard he tried all the babies died anyway. The few babies who actually did make it to term died after painful stays in the NICU.  

Our doctor told us we could attempt to carry the baby to term, however, based on the baby’s current condition he didn’t think the baby would survive long, or we could choose to terminate. If we chose termination, we would need to make our decision quickly, because the legal cut off for abortion in Georgia at the time was 24 weeks.   

Although it was an incredibly difficult decision it didn’t take us long. Actually, before we even left the appointment I already knew my decision. I was also 99% sure RJ felt the exact same way. We didn’t even need to talk to each other. When we got to the car, we both kind of looked at each other and just knew the other was thinking the same thing.  

We decided to sleep on it one night just to be sure. When I woke up I was still sure in my decision and was confident it was the right thing to do. Our doctor called that day to ask me if we had made a decision. I told him yes. He said he was glad we came to a decision quickly and was behind us 100%. He gave me the number of the best abortion clinic in town, told us to keep him updated and call him if we needed anything.  

The following day, I called the clinic and made an appointment. The receptionist seemed shocked I was 20 weeks along. I choked through explaining my baby had serious fetal abnormalities and would not survive. After she understood what was going on she was very understanding and explained everything to me. At 20 weeks I would need a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation). It would be a two day appointment. One day to do all the paperwork, and a few things to prep for the procedure, and the next day to do the actual procedure. I made my appointment for Friday, and Saturday.   

Friday rolled along, we dropped Rosalie off at a friends house and drove to my appointment early in the morning. The clinic was very secure and kind of hidden away. There was a security guard checking ID at the door to be sure anyone allowed inside had an appointment.  

We checked in, I filled out some paperwork, we sat and waited till I was called back. The first time they insisted I came back alone. It was policy to make sure I wanted RJ with me. I could have not done this without him. I never once doubted my decision, but it was still really emotional and difficult.  

The first thing they needed to do, was an ultrasound to confirm how far along I was. I didn’t watch and I cried the whole time. Since the baby couldn’t urinate, all the fluids were backing up into his body. His head had swelled up and was measuring at 22 weeks, when a few days earlier it was only measuring at 20 weeks. It was obvious he deteriorating quickly and it reassured us even more that we were making the right decision.  

After the ultrasound the nurses let us sit in a private waiting room (someone’s office) where we could have a bit more privacy. I made a quick phone call to my Ob to fill him in and ask him to send our records over. He was surprised to hear the baby was so much worse and told us we were definitely making the right decision. Chances are, the baby would have died shortly and I would have miscarried within the next couple of weeks, if not days.  

This is the photo I used to announce my
pregnancy. Rosalie was so little.

Next, a nurse explained the procedure to me and triple checked that this was what I wanted. Anyone I explained our situation to understood immediately and didn’t ask too many questions. I then got undressed, put a gown and socks on so they could do the first part of the procedure. This included giving me a Xanax to help calm and relax me. As well as some good painkillers because they were going to start dilating my cervix which is not comfortable. They used something called laminaria, which is a type of seaweed that gently softens and dilates your cervix overnight. It looked a lot like wooden coffee stirrers. A nurse placed a number of them in my cervix, then placed a few cotton pads over them to help keep them in place. I have an incredibly high pain tolerance, the nurses were really impressed. She was able to squeeze in more than she expected. She told me if the cotton or a few laminaria sticks fell out that was fine, but if a lot of the sticks fell out, I was supposed to call. The nurse anticipated none would fall out because they were quite snug. Once I got up and moved around a bit I could feel the sticks but it wasn’t uncomfortable. 

We went back to the office we were using as a waiting room and I got dressed. The last thing they needed to do before they sent me home for the evening was to administer a shot to stop the baby’s heart. It was the most emotional part of the day even though the Xanax had fully kicked in. The doctor used an ultrasound to guide her and she administered the shot through my belly. She needed me to hold still, so I just closed my eyes focused on my breathing. I held RJ’s hand tightly and tried not to cry too hard. This was a difficult part for him because he wanted to help but didn’t know how. I am just glad he was there with me. I don’t know how I could have done any of it without him.   

We headed home and picked up Rosalie. It was nice to have her around she was a good distraction. That evening I started to have some pretty good cramping but I was told to expect it. I was given a prescription for some good painkillers. I took one and it made me pretty loopy.   

We woke up super early the next morning, dropped Rosalie off again and made our way to the clinic. I was really nervous but luckily there wasn’t much waiting. I got dressed in a gown and hair net. I was put under general anesthesia for the procedure. I gave RJ a kiss and a nurse took me back to the operating room. The nurses were very warm and kind, they helped me feel a little less nervous. I laid down on the table, my legs were strapped into the stirrups. The doctor, a nurse, and an anesthesiologist were in the room. The anesthesiologist put in an IV while the doctor and nurse prepped everything.  

We decided to name the baby Reginald, Reggie for short. RJ had a relative who died when he was young and we thought it was fitting.  

The clinic was able to get his footprints for us. I have kept them in a box. Someday I might frame them and display them with his ultrasound photo along with the other kids, but maybe that would be weird.   

A scan of his foot prints the clinic was able to give me.
I left the scale to help show how small they are.

As difficult as it was to choose to abort the baby I wanted and was excited for, I am so glad that is what I chose. If I had to go back and do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am so glad at the time we lived in a state with reasonable abortion laws. I don’t think abortion laws should exist at all. Abortion is something that needs to be left between a woman, her doctors, and if she chooses her partner. I felt rushed to make a decision because we were racing against the 24 weeks. Had abortion been unrestricted I wouldn’t have felt pressure to make a decision quickly although time would have not changed my mind, it would have made the whole thing a bit less stressful.  

I am very very happy that my state, Illinois, has just signed a sweeping abortion bill that legalizes abortion at any time during pregnancy if a woman and her doctor decide it’s the right course of medical care for her. Illinois is now the most progressive state on the issue of abortion, and I couldn’t be more proud. 

I understand this is an emotional subject but it makes me so emotional that women are having choices taken away from them. Choices I had not long ago, choices that my doctor and I knew were right for me and my family. Why are we moving backwards with women's rights? Why are women not trusted to make decisions about their health? I hope the next generations can fix the mess that the Boomers and Gen Xers have created.  

   

Move to Chicago

We moved to Chicago!

Back in September, a recruiter for Abbott Laboratories contacted RJ and offered him a job. He turned down their initial offer and countered with an offer we would consider moving for. They said “no”, so we didn’t think any more about it. Then, just before Thanksgiving they called him back and offered him everything he asked for and then some.    

We have moved quite a few times. This move was particularly hectic. November, December, and January are always really busy because of the holidays. On top of that, we road tripped to Ohio to visit my relatives for Thanksgiving, then spent Christmas in England with RJ’s relatives. By the time we got back from all our holiday adventures, there were just over two weeks before our move.

Photo of Rosalie, Heather, and James on the floor of our
new house! I don't even remember what Rosalie was grumpy
about, but Heather and James were all smiles. 

Between our trip to England and the three small human bosses who run my life, I decided I did not have time to pack and we would have the movers pack for us. When we move again, I will not pay for packers again. It was great to not do the task of packing in the short amount of time we had but it tripled my unpacking time. It is incredibly painful to open a kitchen box labeled, “plasticware” and not a single piece of plastic be inside. Or a bedroom box labeled, “linens” and not find a single pillowcase. As convenient as having packers are it is not worth the hassle.

The rest of the move went really well. We had our cars transported and rented a car to drive. The drive was easy and the kids did really well. We stopped halfway thought at my uncle’s house. His daughters, my cousins are just a few years older than Rosalie and Heather. They play together really well and it is so fun to see them make those cousin relationships.  

Our first night in Chicago it snowed at least 6 inches, it was pretty crazy to see the big jump between a few inches of snow shutting down Virginia for a couple of days, to twice as much snow not even phasing the Chicagoans.  

Chicago is very different from any other place I have lived, the biggest difference is how built up it is. Chicago is the third largest city in the United States, the only bigger cities being NYC and LA. We live about 40 minutes from the center of Chicago, our home in Virginia was about 40 minutes from DC. It is much busier in these Chicago suburbs than the DC burbs. We are walking distance from a lot of shops and restaurants. We are also a short walk to a train station that can take us right downtown. A 20-minute drive can take us to so many places. There is so much to explore!

I am still busy unpacking, the home we are renting was built in the early 60s. So far we really like it, but it is the polar opposite of our modern three-story townhome. There is so much stuff I think, “I had this here in the last house, where the heck do I put it now.” It is crazy how much housing preferences and architecture has changed in 60 years.

I have a lot of blog catch-up to do. We had a ton of fun in England over Christmas. And I met a ton of awesome people at a Festivus party too. I cannot wait to share!

Thanks for reading!      

James's Birth Story

James is already four months old! I thought I should write his birth story before I forget all of the details. 

Around 37-38 weeks I had a bit of false labor, I had mild contractions for 3 or 4 days. I kept thinking they would ramp up and they never did, it was super annoying and made me anxious. Once they stopped my uterus was actually sore, it felt like I had done an intense ab work out, my whole pregnancy had been so easy till that weekend of false labor. I was done! I just wanted to meet my little (or not so little) boy.  

I tried to stay busy, I went to lots of MOMS Club activities. RJ and I took Rosalie and Heather to their first movie at the theater, we saw Incredibles 2, they had so much fun! I tried to finish up the housework, and get laundry, and shopping done. Heather came down with a cold of some sort just a few days before my due date, she had a fever for a few days so I took her to the pediatrician to make sure it wasn’t anything serious. They did a strep test because they had had a few local cases, luckily it was negative. Heather seemed to be getting better and that was a bit of a relief.  

My due date was Saturday, June 30th. Earlier that week I saw my Midwife, I had her check me and strip my membranes. My cervix was still very high and not very dilated. On Wednesday the 27th I started having more contractions that felt similar to the false labor I had a few weeks before. I decided to go to bed and try to sleep through them.  

Around 3 am I could not sleep through my contractions anymore, I snuck downstairs and did my best to not wake up RJ. I wanted to make sure he got a good amount of sleep, I knew I could handle early labor on my own and if I did need him, he was a few steps away.

I bounced on my birth ball for a while, while watching some TV. The contractions were getting worse and worse. They were very sharp. I don’t remember my contractions with Rosalie or Heather being quite so intense, but neither of them was as big as James.  

I started to lose my nerve a little bit, I didn’t feel great and was spending a lot of time in the bathroom. I was pretty sure James was OP/sunny side up. I put on a lot of weight this pregnancy and just didn’t feel like my best self so I wasn’t feeling as confident as I did with Heather’s labor and delivery. I knew I could do it, I was just feeling anxious.  

Around 6:30-7am I texted my friend Jocelyn who was going to watch the girls and told her to come over because it was time. I went upstairs, and sat next to RJ on the bed, and said, “Are you ready to have a baby?” He quickly said, yes and jumped out of bed. 

RJ seemed a little surprised that I had waited so long to wake him up. By the time I woke him, I had stopped timing contractions, I also couldn’t really hold a conversation through them anymore. I knew James was coming, but I knew RJ would be able to be an even better daddy doula if he was well rested, so I only woke him when I needed his help.   

I called my midwife and told her I was in labor, she told me she would be at the birth center around 8:30 am. RJ and I finished packing our hospital bag and started getting ready to go, Rosalie and Heather woke up and seemed a little confused that every few minutes mommy was leaning against the wall and breathing deeply.  

Jocelyn showed up pretty quickly, which was good because right after she got to our house, I started to feel pressure, and almost felt the need to push. I told RJ we needed to leave NOW. He can read me very well and knew I was serious.  

Right before we got in the car, I called my midwife again and told her we were on our way. I hate to ride in the car during labor! Contractions in general hurt like hell, and not being able to move and find a comfy spot makes everything much more intense. Luckily, we made good time and I wasn’t in the car very long.  

When we got there, I went to the bathroom, then took my pants, underwear, and shirt off. My midwife asked if I wanted her to check me, I said yes, she told me that I was 9cms, I was very excited/relieved to know I was that far along.  

We had lots of help in the room, there were 3 midwives, 4 nurses, and 1 nursing student who I was happy to have there. Students have to learn somehow and I am not shy. I’m glad I didn’t hire a doula, we had more than enough help and everyone was absolutely amazing.  

We got settled and I started to really feel the need to push, we tried multiple positions till I ultimately felt comfortable on my side, with one leg up on a peanut ball supported with lots of pillows. This is where things get a tiny bit foggy.  

When I am in labor, I zone out during the end when contractions are more intense. I labored on my side for quite a while, the nurses kept telling me how amazing I was and how easy I made it look. I was feeling pretty good and a bit more confident now that we were at the birth center, and I knew I didn’t have much longer to go.  

I don’t exactly remember when I started pushing, but during one contraction I could no longer breath through the pressure and started working with it. My midwife checked me and told me James was well on his way and she had a hard time not breaking my water, I told her it was ok to break it. My water has never broken on its own and I remember the relief of pressure that happened when my midwife broke my water when I was in labor with Heather. My midwife broke my water and things started progressing quicker.  

I started pushing harder. I don’t remember feeling Rosalie or Heather move down with every push, but with James, I could really feel the progress I was making and it was very motivating. I moved onto my hands and knees and tried pushing there for one or two contractions but I was not as productive there. I rolled over onto my back where my pushes were much more productive.  

Things got intense very quickly, I reached down and felt his head as soon as he was down far enough. I also asked for a mirror. I am a very visual person and seeing my progress helps so much. I don’t know exactly how long I pushed, but the ring of fire with James felt like an eternity with his big head. The pain almost made me feel more alert. I remember crowning and the pain being excruciating, trying to breathe through it was tough but I was doing it. My midwife told me I could do tiny pulse like pushes and I did and his head came out! I did one last big push and caught him myself and brought him up to my chest. 

James Robert Ayres was born June 28th, 2018 at 10:45 am. He was 9lbs 14oz, and 21 inches long.  

He was adorable and everything I imagined he would be.  

I got to hold him on my chest for over an hour. He was so alert and latched perfectly the first time he tried.  

James was perfect and while we bonded my midwife left to see how another patient was doing at the main hospital. When she got back the nurse had just weighed him. When my midwife was told he was a whopping 9lbs 14oz she was shocked, most women with babies so large have longer, more difficult labors.

   

Before the placenta was delivered, my midwife checked me for tearing and thought she saw a minor tear but it was difficult to tell with all the normal swelling and blood around my perineum. A day or two later things felt like they were healing very well so I had RJ take a good look down there. He decided I did not tear, and maybe just had a small graze. When I saw my midwife for my 6-week checkup she told me everything looked amazing and it did not look like I had just given birth to a 10lb baby!  

The only issue I have had since James’s birth is my tailbone. Since he was sunny side up, he did a number on it, and 4 months later it still hurts occasionally. My midwife said I could have sprained it or even fractured it, but there is really nothing that can be done for an injured tailbone.  

It sounds crazy but I love giving birth. If I wasn’t squeamish around blood other than my own I would love to become a doula or even a midwife. This labor and delivery was rough though. For a while, I thought I wanted six kids, but now I only want one more. Four is a good number. But after giving birth to James naturally and surviving I can do ANYTHING.  

I am glad I am able to share my birth stories. I recently discovered after reading Rosalie and Heather’s birth stories, a friend of mine decided she wanted a natural birth! She had an amazingly supportive birth team and had her own baby boy naturally around the same time I had James! I am glad sharing my experiences have done something. I didn’t know if they would do anything at all when I first started sharing them, so I am really glad that they have helped people!  

Hopefully, I can find time to blog a bit more often! I love sharing my experiences and opinions.  

Thanks for reading!